“Last Minute Christmas Shopping” is the charge, but I’m not copping to it.

My fiancee Evi just texted me that she’s busted me for the aforementioned crime, but she’s out of her gourd. Yes, I am shopping for Christmas presents on the 23rd. So what? It’s the TWENTY-THIRD! Do you know how much later in the season I’ve shopped for this damn holiday? As far as I’m concerned, this is “First Minute Christmas Shopping”. Or, at the very least, “Very Average Just Like Everybody Else Christmas Shopping”.

I’m in Soho right now, which is a very ritzy residential/shopping area in Manhattan. I just bought a few presents at {CENSORED} and {ALSO CENSORED} and was walking to the N train stop on Broadway and Prince St when an ambulance ahead of me flicked on its lights, turned on its ear-splittingly loud siren, and started barreling toward me. Wanting to maintain an ability to hear later in life, I ducked into the closest business to me, which happened to be the Birdbath SoHo, a Manhattan “neighborhood green bakery”. (Pictured above; I’m not sure why the name on the outside is different.)

The first thing I saw, which looked like the only thing to see, and was almost certainly the point of this whole business, were mounds of chocolate chip cookies.


I’m getting married soon, and need to lose some Goddamn weight. So there was no way I should even be thinking about anything in this place.

But, cookies.

“How much for a chocolate chip?” I asked the girl behind the counter.

“$3.50,” she replied with a friendly smile.

Just then, I looked to the right, farther down the same counter, where there was a sign that said “Kale Salad”. Behind it were two bowls of the evil green crap. You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. What the hell kind of place sells cookies and kale? I then thought about Evi, who’s always trying to get me to eat more salad. Obviously, she does that because she loves me, and wants me to live a long, happy, healthy life with her. And of course, I really should take responsibility for myself.

“I’ll take the cookie,” I said.

Accuse me of last minute Christmas shopping, I thought. I relished every bite.